Confusion Isn’t Always a Bad Thing.

Sometimes, it’s just redirection in disguise.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

The closest thing I’ve had to a hallucination was in 2023.

I went back to my tutorial college in Oshodi for the third time, and I was losing it. Everyone looked familiar, and I kept zoning out every now and then. It was my first time experiencing such feelings, and I was completely confused.

To this day, I say 2023 was a very good year for me, not because everything went smoothly, but because I figured things out. I was slipping away, but somehow, I caught myself back. No push from anyone or anything. Just me.

It all started in October. My mum decided I’d be going back to the tutorial college but this time, as a boarding student.

Boarding student ke?

I wanted to run mad. I refused, and she told my brother. The last week of September, my brother called me to his room and said, “Aisha, you’re going back in October.”

I screamed. No, sorry—I wailed. Everyone was shocked. “Why? What’s wrong?” My brother even asked if I’d been bullied the last time I was there. 😂 Me? Bullying ke? 😏 Am I in JSS2?

You see, I have a hard time being alone. This is why the idea of a solo date still sounds weird to me.

What do you mean, solo date?

I like the concept, though. Hopefully, with time, I’ll get to sit by myself outside and enjoy my own company.

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Earlier in 2023, when I first went to Adams, I wasn’t alone. I had my friends. I was at Jessica’s house for her 18th birthday when I mentioned the tutorial to her. She knew it because her sister had attended there, but I fueled her desire to go. So she joined. Arinze did too. I was with my people.

So, when I had to go back later that year—this time, alone—I couldn’t take it. What do you mean Jessica wouldn’t be there to rub my back when my usual stomach aches came? That I wouldn’t walk home after lessons with the lovely people I had met?

It was hard, but I resumed in October.

The first two weeks were hell. Every day, I saw reasons why I didn’t want to be there. Everyone looked so familiar and acted like my old friends. Sitting by myself in class felt so weird. I love companionship, I couldn’t whisper to Jessica or ask Arinze for water. Everyone seemed to find their place and their own person, but I was stuck reminiscing about the past.

Repeating the same cycle three times? It was hard.

But I caught myself back. I had to. I don’t believe in soaking in misery for too long. I had to wake up and face reality, because that’s life. My journey is different.

So, I made friends. Femi was first—her bunk was near mine, and she had such a bubbly personality. She introduced me to Divine. Our first encounter was funny, but I admired the way she carried herself. Then I met Aisha in class, always smiling. We clicked immediately. It wasn’t so hard for two friendly people to connect.

I started to find my spark again. I had people to complain to nonstop, (which was great, honestly). And everything began to make sense.

Then, one day in November, I had a thought: Why not write down a list of things you want to achieve while you’re here? The idea came, and I didn’t push it away. I decided to end the year on a good note and restrategize.

I was ready to unlearn and cultivate new habits. Ready to step up and come out from anything holding me back from achieving my full potential.

I don’t know if there’s a moral lesson to this story, but here’s my sign to you: When life pulls you to the edge, it’s up to you to pull yourself back. No one is coming to save you. If you want to change, you have to make the move yourself. There’s no timeline for growth, and it’s never too late to become a better version of yourself.

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Happy New Month! This is my birth month. 💗🤗